AAALLLL!!!<\/p>\n
is less than 2 weeks away.\u00a0 Hope you all had a wonderful offseason.\u00a0 The Big Ten didn’t…\u00a0 But… this is supposed to be a humorous* website so let’s ignore all of that for now…I’d rather not start the season off on a sad note and I don’t know how to make spousal abuse, sexual assault, and grown men hazing teenagers literally to\u00a0 death funny**.\u00a0 Maybe we’ll come back to this later once the football part of the football season has made me sad for football reasons.<\/p>\n
So: let’s focus on everybody’s favorite topic and the most important thing in the world from September to December.\u00a0 Michigan Football!!\u00a0 Now some of you might be thinking that I’m gonna talk about how Shea Patty Pat was just announced as Michigan’s new QB and the Wide Receivers\/TE are amazing and Harbagaw is gonna turn the offense around and they’re returning almost all of the 3rd best defense in the country and we’re gonna win the Big Ten and … STOP! have you been paying attention at all?!\u00a0 Optimistic, this site is not***…(also just kidding… all (both?)**** of you have already navigated away to a better site with a higher budget… probably Facebook… or bustyasianbeauties.com*****…\u00a0 so since you’re no longer reading this anyway, I’d like to say the following:\u00a0 FUUUU… Oh hey! you’re back!)<\/p>\n
Others may be thinking I’ll be talking about the crazy schedule******, the POS offensive line whose only hope at left tackle was Old Yellered today when Grant Newsome announced his retirement, and yet another new QB to start the season…\u00a0 Well… that’s not a bad guess but no.\u00a0 I’m here to talk about solutions!\u00a0 SO! if you thought this post was already off the rails, then buckle up Sally.\u00a0 Nobody even rides trains anymore.<\/p>\n
Here’s what Michigan should do:<\/p>\n
Two Defenses.\u00a0 Don Brown has proven that he can take 10 first year starters and Mike McCray and create the 3rd best defense in the country.\u00a0 The offense has proven that they can occasionally not give up more points than they score.\u00a0 So: get rid of the offense.\u00a0 Move anyone useful to “Second Defense” And use all future scholarships\/recruiting efforts to field 2 complete Don Brown Defenses.\u00a0 DPJ and Black move to CB\/Special teams.\u00a0 TEs convert to linebackers.\u00a0 Chase Winovich plays every snap because he’s insane.<\/p>\n
Here’s the in game strategy:\u00a0 play zero offense.\u00a0 Take a kickoff\/punt return with a normal special teams unit.\u00a0 If you don’t score on the kick\/punt return then immediately attempt a field goal or punt.\u00a0 Then play defense.\u00a0 All of Michigans points will be achieved through 1. TD returns on kickoffs\/punts 2. immediate field goals after bad punts\/punt returns\/blocked punts\/muffed punts\/etc 3. Safeties 4. defensive touchdowns (pick sixes\/fumble recoveries).\u00a0 Now an excellent punter is essential for this plan’s success BUT… The opponent’s offense should never start with the ball in U-M territory.\u00a0 Without a terrible offense giving up pick sixes and fumbling on they’re own 20 there’s no way 2 fully stacked Don Brown Defenses give up more points than they score by the above methods.\u00a0 Besides: the other teams won’t have 2 full offenses which means they’ll be playing 60 min.\u00a0 By the second half anyone not suffering from Chase Winovich related PTSD will be too exhausted to compete.<\/p>\n
Don Brown becomes Head Coach\/Defensive Coordinator.\u00a0 Mattison becomes OC (other defensive coordinator).\u00a0 Harbaugh and Pep take a pay cut and coach special teams if they want (see it even makes sense financially!!!).\u00a0 Jim McElwain quits to lead a desperate petition for more Sharknado sequels because they are literally like porn to him. (allegedly).\u00a0 Everybody is happy!\u00a0 (Except the sharks… and the other teams’ offenses)<\/p>\n
Man… season hasn’t even started and I’m already this far passed the hookah smoking caterpillar?\u00a0 Good luck everyone! (Not really.. please lose)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
*My fictitious legal team has informed me that there is no guarantee of humorous content in association with this website.<\/p>\n
**Again, the lawyers are telling me to clarify that I may or may not know how to make anything funny.<\/p>\n
***See, Yoda was paying attention<\/p>\n
****The return of nested parenthesis!\u00a0 POINTS!<\/p>\n
*****POINTS if you know what show this references (Do John or Sam read this?)<\/p>\n
******Wisconsin 3 years in a row?\u00a0 WTF Delaney<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
AAALLLL!!! is less than 2 weeks away.\u00a0 Hope you all had a wonderful offseason.\u00a0 The Big Ten didn’t…\u00a0 But… this is supposed to be a humorous* website so let’s ignore all of that for now…I’d rather not start the season off on a sad note and I don’t know how to make spousal abuse, sexual … <\/p>\n