They say all good things must come to an end… They are jerks. Screw you They. It’s a sad day for comedic football content creators as Scott Frost was fired as Nebraska’s head football coach. Scott Frost was 16-31 overall, 10-26 in the Big Ten, 5-22 in one score games, and 0-14 against ranked opponents. Sadly, someone seems to have informed Nebraska’s athletic department that 16, 10, 5, and 0 are much lower than those other numbers… And while those numbers (along with the in-game decisions that resulted in those numbers) are very good for comedy, they are also very bad for football. So despite outhitting their opponents in 51-14 losses, and despite letters from Scott Frost’s mom, today, just 2 weeks after the 5th anniversary of Scott Frost Day, Nebraska has said goodbye to their golden child as head coach. Oh and the $15 Million they had to pay him to leave… $7.5 Million more than if they had kept him another 2 weeks.
Welcome back. Hopefully I didn’t lose any of my loyal reader with all of that Michigan talk last time. This time we are going to focus on all of the hilarious things that happened in the first week and a half of football. And boy were there some good ones.
I know what you’re thinking. “Where has all the content been? I’ve been refreshing this page since the end of July waiting for season previews. What happened to the in depth and always accurate analysis of each team. How am I supposed to know who to pick?” Well, Matt*, I DID post a season preview. Unfortunately, there was some glitch on this website. To find it, go back about 12 months and find the post labeled 9/1/2021 Season Preview Part 1. It probably holds up.***
Well we’re back. Football started last weekend* which means it’s time to flood your e-mail boxes, stress about whether I have enough participants until about an hour before game day, get eliminated by Indiana, and metaphorically stand at a digital corner like a cyber-hobo begging for money (also flood your e-mail boxes).
I’ll be honest, I was thinking of skipping this year. Maybe I’d take a year off, just enjoy some football, and forget about this website until I get pissed off when an auto-renewal payment shows up on my credit card. Then I’d come back next year, nice and refreshed, with some exciting new content ideas for all one of you to enjoy. But then came the announcement. USC and UCLA are joining the Big “Ten”. That’s going to cause a problem with this game… 16 teams and only 13.2 weeks of football. Not having to pick Rutgers already makes this game way easier than it used to be.. So I figured we’d do this one last time while we still can. We’ll see what happens next year. Maybe I can come up with some rule changes to keep it going. Maybe something else will change before then (UCLA’s regents are fighting the decision to join the Big Ten apparently) or maybe I’ll retire. Until then, enjoy the game, send me your picks, and everybody laugh at Scott Frost. Who’d have thought that the Big Ten playing more games in the Rose Bowl would be a bigger threat to this game than a pandemic.
Narrator: Now that we knew, we could act. We could contact trace. We could isolate. But we needed to move quickly. The screen is black. Background conversations overlap each other about food, playing children, holiday plans… The scene fades into view. It’s a living room on a Saturday afternoon in late Autumn. It’s 2018. The family is seated around a big screen TV. The “Fox Box” in the corner reads 3rd and 2, Wisconsin in Michigan territory. One conversation is louder than the background noise.. “they got this.. just run it twice this time.” The TV shows Wisconsin’s Alex Hornibrook drop back and turf a pass incomplete. 4th and 2. “That was dumb.. but ok… clearly you go for it here, you’ve got.. you’re gonna PUNT?!” Narrator: Paul Chryst, the previous Big Ten Coach of the Year, had forgotten that Jonathan Taylor existed. The Heisman hopeful superstar running back had literally not been stopped for less than 2 yards all year. And Paul Chryst didn’t give him the ball on 3rd or 4th and 2 all game. Paul Chyrst had been infected.The music gets a little louder
JUMP CUT TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK!! (IN ALL CAPS TO SIMULATE THAT IT’S TWICE AS LOUD AS THE NORMAL VOLUME) WHAT? YOU THINK WE’VE GOT THE BUDGET FOR A THEATRICAL RELEASE?! I’M STILL DEEP IN THE RED PAYING THESE BULLSHIT HOSTGATOR FEES. GET THOSE DONATIONS IN PEOPLE!! WE INTERRUPT THIS MADE FOR TV MOVIE SPECIAL WITH AN IMPORTANT UPDATE!! BRIAN KELLY IS LEAVING NOTRE DAME TO BECOME THE NEXT HEAD COACH OF LSU. WHEN ASKED FOR COMMENT, KELLY RESPONDED: “I’VE JUST ALWAYS FELT THAT I’M BORN FOR THIS JOB. NOW WHEN I GET UPSET AND MY SKIN TURNS PURPLE IT WILL BE FOR SCHOOL SPIRIT AND NOT “INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR DIRECTED AT AN 18 YEAR OLD KID”
Back to the show: It’s a split, comic book style layout with two scenes. Penn State vs. Iowa in 2018 and Penn State vs Michigan State in 2021. Both scenes show Penn State’s kicker lining up for a field goal, the 2018 scene is slightly ahead of the more recent one. A third and fourth frame fade into the corners showing Franklin calling timeout. The kickers in both scenes raise their hands in a mixture of frustration and confusion. The 2018 scene plays out with Pinegar(2018 PSU kicker) kicking the ball through the uprights. The 2021 (still slightly delayed) shows the normally reliable Stout (2021 PSU kicker) miss his. Narrator: it took him 3 years of trying, but James Franklin had finally succeeded in icing his own kicker. An acoustic guitar joins the piano and bass in the increasingly familiar melancholy musical composition.
The scene flashes back to the press conference, a few seconds earlier than the scene at the end of Act 1. The question is about the future at Penn State. Overlay the scene with headlines and reports of James Franklin being considered for USC. “We’re completely focused on Illinois right now. The Big House is a tough environment.” … “Sir, you’re playing Ohio State… in the Horseshoe…” Narrator: Things were about to get out of hand. Patient Zero was about to leave the Big Ten. This needed to be stopped NOW.
Short scenes of the 2021 football season play out in a collage of a return normalcy. Iowa knocks out PSU QB Sean Clifford adding him to the list of once hyped “could have been” Nittany Lions that James Franklin has broken (Christian Hackenberg, Trace McSorley). Iowa wins that game in a predictably boring Iowa way. Michigan adds injury to injury with 7 sacks on Clifford. The scene shows him wincing and then screaming at a poor assistant offering him a water bottle. Michigan plays an incredibly non-stupid game against Indiana for the first time in recent history. Michigan State beats Penn State. Michigan puts together a brilliant game plan and beats Ohio State for the first time since 2011. Overlay headline of Lincoln Riley being hired at USC. The musical composition begins to fade out. Narrator: They’ve found a way to beat it. Penn States collapse meant USC had hired elsewhere. And the teams that stopped it did so with little signs of infection. The wins were normal, clean, and mostly not dumb. The threat had been contained. Fade to black.
…
The music fades back in. As the volume increases you finally realize what’s been playing in the background the whole time. It’s this song. Made popular as the theme to 28 days later but I swear has been in every zombie/thriller/horror movie and TV show since… The scene fades in to 2019. Pitt is down 17-10 against Penn State. There are just under 5 minutes left in the game. It is 4th and goal on Penn State’s one yard line. Pitt lines up for a FIELD GOAL. The acoustic guitar is replaced with a distorted electric. The scene flashes now with a strobe light effect. The melancholy atmosphere has been replaced by a sense of dread and panic. Radio static filtered dialogue: “We thought it was containe..” “It’s spread outside the Big Ten!”. The kick bounces off the uprights, no good. “We’re too late!” As the song ends, just before the final note rings out, Pat Narduzzi’s voice echoes: “I have no regrets with the [field goal] call ..with the call.. with the ca.. with th…”
Black screen. Fast Scrolling Credits.
[Be Kind: Please Rewind]
That doesn’t even make sense! You said this was made for TV, not VHS… and nobody even has those anymore. I know… I just wanted to get one more joke in.. See you all next year!
I friggen knew it. I told you all this was going to happen. But did I listen to me? Of course not! I got excited. I saw an 5 straight wins including 2 against good opponents and thought “maybe things will be different.” SO I’m in. I buy a BTN+ subscription so I can watch the games. (Which, by the way is a dogshit choppy garbage streaming service. Do NOT purchase a BTN+ subscription.) I tune in for the first time and… Michigan poops the bed against a smaller in-state school that, sure, is ranked, but I mean come on… You’re MICHIGAN! That was pathetic. Uhh… dude, the games not until tomorrow… Did you steal that youtuber’s time machine from a couple of posts ago? OH GOD?! Should I not watch the game Saturday?!?! What? Oh right, the Michigan vs. Michigan State game is this weekend….. No dummy, I told you;* Football is dead to me. I’m talking about Michigan vs. Western Michigan… Hockey. ugh. Michigan’s forwards looked sloppy and lethargic a.-UGH. all night. The defense got caught pinch- UUUGGGHHHHH!!!!WHAT!?! NOBODY CARES!!! IT’S MICHIGAN VS MICHIGAN STATE WEEK! FOOOTBAAAALLLL!! Fine…
I bet you thought there wouldn’t be any content this week, right? I’m eliminated and now I’ll go all radio silent for the rest of the year and you’ll finally get some peace. Well jokes on you! I just got another bill for an automatic payment for this damn website and if I’m stuck with it for another year I’m gonna keep annoying all of you*
I don’t know if you paid any attention over the last two weeks of football, but something happened that was apparently kind of a big deal. The Big Ten became only the 2nd conference ever to have 5 teams in the Top Ten college football rankings. Neat. But what does this really mean?
