I thought I’d write a post describing what happens in the event of a tie in the Big Ten (the real football, not the elimination). As most of you know, the Big Ten has 2 divisions. The East consists of Michigan, Michigan State, Ohio State, Penn State, Maryland, Indiana, and that’s it*. The shit** division consists of Wisconsin, Nebraska, Iowa, Northwestern, Purdue, Minnesota, and Illinois. Seriously, this is the way the divisions are laid out… because Jim Delaney is a dumbass. I mean I know Nebraska is having a bad year and Iowa is decent once in a while but come on… Rutgers would be tied for 3rd*** in this division right now…
11/13/17 – Doubling Down
Well… I was thinking about writing this post last week… and after this weekend it will hold much less water. So thanks a lot MSU. You ruined my post. Also sorry… I may have jinxed you guys by planning this post for the past week. —hears yelling State fans through the computer– Hey calm down!, I can’t help what my brain thinks! That thing is crazy! I mean, it just imagined people yelling through a computer screen… about a post that isn’t even up yet… none of that seems physically possible. Anyway here it goes…
11/6/17 – Loud Noises Part 2
Again, viewer discretion adv.. Continue reading “11/6/17 – Loud Noises Part 2”
11/6/17 – (Im)Mature Audiences Only
I bet you guys came here expecting some letters and words arranged in a way that would describe Ohio State or Penn State or Michigan State or Iowa this week. Well, sorry, but you’ll have to go to a real football website for that. I’ve got two more important issues that I have to rant about this week.. Like the title suggests, this post may contain vulgarity, profanity, verbanity, and just all around not nice things so if this offends you please stop reading now.
Topic One: Eastern Michigan ruined college football. Continue reading “11/6/17 – (Im)Mature Audiences Only”
10/31/17 What a waste of time…
Happy Halloween everyone! Look a new format! You all thought I was done wasting your time with football unAnalysis but you forgot about my BYE week!
So apparently I’m a blogger now… Barney said it was a good idea… Anyway, welcome to the website. If you’re reading this I’m sorry that you don’t have anything better to do. I’ve decided that I don’t have enough going on between fixing a house, selling a house, going to weddings… wait I think I’ve made this joke before… Well I decided to pile on by turning these stupid weekly e-mails into stupid weekly web posts. yay… Anyway here’s what happened this week:
10/16/2017 – Buttgers Eliminates me
Well I guess I deserved that… 3 years of verbal abuse has finally caught up to me. Rutgers has won a game to eliminate me from my own pool*. I guess I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll be nice. Rutgers is a fine football prog… perfectly acceptable academic insti…. I can’t do it. Congratulations Rutgers, you still suck. You beat almost literally a high school team. Illinois starts something like 13 true freshmen… plus a couple of redshirts.. how does that happen? I really should have paid more attention to this but was blinded by the “Rutgers Sucks” factor. Either Illinois really had no talent (yes) or Lovie Smith is just an arrogant jackass who only wants to play his own players (also probably yes). Dammit Lovie Smith. You coached in the NFL! You lost to Rutgers! You know who can beat Rutgers? EVERYONE! Eastern Michigan beat them. Tim Beckman would have beat them… not the Illinois team Tim Beckman coached a few years ago but literally Tim Beckman. Alone. While carrying the boombox outside a window with his head photoshopped in the scene from Say Anything. (See how I take this farther and farther down the rabbit hole until only one of you knows what the hell I’m talking about? That’s called appreciating your audience. You’d better be reading this PETERS**)
10/10/17 – The Return of Grandpa Simpson
How should I start the review this week… Congratulations to Michigan State for continuing to be a better football team than UofM over the last 10 years? Dantonio has proven to be a better college football coach than Jim Harbaugh? The full moon has ended and John Okorn has returned back to his true form: Panicked Grandpa Simpson? CATCH THE BALL!? Michigan’s offense decided they were tired of football and instead attempted to start an exciting game of hot-potato?
How about this:
In his 3rd year at UofM, “The Quarterback Whisperer” Jim Harbaugh’s only QB (not counting transfer Jake Ruddock) that has turned out to be good at offense is:…
Zach Gentry. As a Tight End.
How about a comprehensive review of all of Michigan’s impact players on offense this season… that was fun.
“Gee Doug, Tell us how you really feel”… Okay. (And we played the first thing that came to our… sorry I got distracted there for a minute) Jim Harbaugh is a very good football coach. Taking the garbage that was Michigan Football after RR and Hoke and turning it into a 10 win team his first 2 seasons is impressive. Don Brown is the best defensive coordinator in the country. However: With the talent they had last year they underachieved. This year the offense terrible. Everyone talked about how the defense would take a big hit losing 11 starters.. Everyone was stupid. The offense lost all 3 parts of one of the best receiving cores in the country. They still don’t have a QB. You hoped the offensive line (last year’s biggest weakness) would improve a little bit (they got worse… although once they put in Bushell-Beatty I thought they looked a little better… too bad John Okorn had already completed his transformation). Losing Newsome was pretty much the worst thing that could have happened to this team.
Again, It’s only the third year and some slack should be given (especially with the o-line considering what was left by Hoke). I’m not jumping off the the train, or losing all hope or calling for Harbaugh’s head. Just hoping for a big improvement in the offense next year (and that Don Brown doesn’t get frustrated and leave…) With this defense and even a mediocre offense U-M should be able to compete for all of the things. In my opinion, you can go 8+ wins every year and do poorly against rivals and I won’t be happy but I won’t be calling for your job either. However, if you’re winning the Big Ten and the Rose Bowl, Beating your rivals 8 out of 10 years, and get to the CFP, you can get away with a 3 to 6 win season without getting fired.
I hope we see Brandon Peters next week. At least he hasn’t proven that he sucks yet. Next week is Indiana. Okorn has already shown that this terrifies him (he was terrible against Indiana last year). I’d rather give Peters a chance and a game at home vs. Okorn being so bad that you have to give Peters his first start in Happy Valley.
Anyway. Sorry this was so long and not that funny this week. Nobody was eliminated because nothing else happened.
10/3/17 – Guest Speaker!
So we’re 5 weeks in and there’s a few surprises this year.
Maryland is pretty good. DJ Durkin has really done a good job in a year and a half. I mean I wouldn’t say they’re near the top of the Big Ten but three years ago they were a “slightly-better-than-Rutgers*
I retract everything I wrote about Purdue this year. I said they suck. They don’t. I said I wish they didn’t suck. I now wish they did**. I know you’re all interested so here’s why! 1. The player/staff taunting before the game. You “played respectable” against Louisville. You were still the worst team in the Big Ten last year. Shut up and convert a 3rd down. 2. The dirty plays. 2 targeting calls with a third that should have been at least a late hit that knocked Speight out of the game. 3. Get a damn X-Ray machine! You’re Purdue! One of the “Smart Schools”. That’s just stupid.
Today we have a special treat! A guest writer! It’s like in school when you had a substitute teacher but like, if you never paid attention to your real teacher… and school was about football. Please welcome Matt! He’s an MSU alumnus who now lives in Texas (Go Coogs). We went to high school together. He’s like a brother to me. And I’m older than him. You could say he’s like my little brother.. (But he’s 6’2 and I’m 5’6 so you’d be an idiot. Like a running back saying that and then fumbling twice the next game.) Anyway here is his column… with my interjections in bold because I’m an egotistical and can’t let anyone else have the spotlight. That’s the Michigan Difference.
Since Doug cannot be 100% biased for them, especially this coming week (although normally his is pretty good I am? Dammit, I’ll have to up my homerism), I am here to give an MSU recap. Here is what we know about the Spartans at this point: Nothing. We seem to have a QB, maybe Sounds familiar, but Iowa gave us that game. We possibly have a number 1 WR, however the Jury is still out. The biggest difference this week was that we were able take advantage of most of the Iowa mistakes. They handed us that game much like we handed the previous to ND. Iowa almost beat Penn State who seems to have one of the best players in the country but Penn State hasn’t played anyone yet I miss #TeamCHAOS. The ND loss is the most telling as they took Georgia deep and Georgia seems to be back to some of their old glory They did beat Appalachian State!. We actually looked decent on offense, as we out gained them, but then made last year mistakes (FUMBLE ON THE 1, ARE YOU KIDDING ME Sparty-No did make an appearance that game…) otherwise we are in that game. We do officially have as many wins as we did all of last year so that’s a plus (Especially because we still get to play Rutgers, who isn’t a real school anyways, so we should at least get to 4 wins). I am still not sure of the B10’s place this year in the rankings but the OSU/UM/MSU/PSU games to come should be quite fun. Go Green! Redacted***
Thanks Matt. Should be an exciting game this weekend. Lots of eliminations this week. Go Blue!
*Rutgers was also not as bad that year
**Out of respect for the late Joe Tiller I will cease hoping they suck. He made Purdue the Purdue I kinda liked.
***I thought about making these words Maize and Blue but wasn’t sure which team that would insult/jynx more so I went with this. Hey at least I didn’t delete it!
9/26/17 – John OKorn Hero? (Spoiler Alert: No)
Wow… I know I said I wanted Purdue to be good but that was scary for a while there…
Continue reading “9/26/17 – John OKorn Hero? (Spoiler Alert: No)”
9/19/17 – Bored Bored BOOORRRRED!
Well this was a boring week of football for the Big Ten… We had one elimination as Nebraska apparently decided to switch places with Rutgers… Other than that the games went pretty much as expected.
Ohio * State **:
Ohio State lost to Oklahoma last week. They’re overrated. They were overrated last year. They lost to Penn State, They should have lost to Michigan. J.T. Barrett is a slower crappier dumber version of Denard Robinson surrounded by a team that doesn’t suck. If you get pressure on him he will struggle. They’ll probably mop the floor with most of the Big Ten this year because —Spoiler Alert***— Most of the Big Ten Sucks. They don’t play Wisconsin so their only tests the rest of the season are Penn State and Michigan (assuming Penn State or Michigan are actually any good… I’m not convinced yet). Ohio State is always a good football team. Ohio State is rarely as good as the nation thinks they are.
Iowa:
If Nebraska’s performance this week was a real indication of their football talent, Iowa only has one team to beat to win the Big Ten West and go to Indy. Unfortunately that team is Wisconsin… who might be the best team in the Big Ten. Unfortunately we won’t know how good Wisconsin really is until probably week 12 or possibly the CFP****. Their toughest two teams before Michigan are Indiana and Iowa… and no, I’m not saying Indiana and Iowa are tough (they’re ok but Wisconsin should destroy them both). We will, however, find out just how good (probably not very) Iowa is this week against Penn State.
Sorry, this weeks review was kinda boring, but football was kinda boring this week. Unless you’re a Lions fan, which I’m not… so… let’s hope Michigan beats Purdue 50-0 so I can feel excited about football again. Get your picks in!
*Is A
**Sucks
***We’re almost to the part of the year where I switch to “everyone sucks at football except for cheating Alabama.” It’s pessimistic, negative, and sad… so you’ve all got that to look forward to.
****Early prediction: Wisconsin easily goes undefeated in the Big Ten with the possible exception of Michigan. Either way they go to Indy, Win, and then get destroyed in the CFP because even Michigan and OSU/Penn State (whichever they played in Indy) really weren’t good football teams (See I told you sadness was coming!)