Ahhh. This just feels right. Much like my house slowly returning to its regular non-skunk related scent, the college FBS has shown signs of it regressing towards “everyone is bad at football.” Let’s break it down:
Continue reading “9/14/2018 Back to your regularly scheduled pessimism.”
10:30 pm. We finished giving baby Claire a bath. I’ve been putting off writing a blog entry for almost a full week for obvious reasons. It’s time to sit down and come up with some type of cathartic bullshit to feel better after the garbage that was Michigan’s opening weekend. But first I decide to procrastinate a little longer with a cigar and a Scotch on the back patio. Write drunk, edit sober as they say… probably..
AAALLLL!!!
is less than 2 weeks away. Hope you all had a wonderful offseason. The Big Ten didn’t… But… this is supposed to be a humorous* website so let’s ignore all of that for now…I’d rather not start the season off on a sad note and I don’t know how to make spousal abuse, sexual assault, and grown men hazing teenagers literally to death funny**. Maybe we’ll come back to this later once the football part of the football season has made me sad for football reasons.
So: let’s focus on everybody’s favorite topic and the most important thing in the world from September to December. Michigan Football!! Now some of you might be thinking that I’m gonna talk about how Shea Patty Pat was just announced as Michigan’s new QB and the Wide Receivers/TE are amazing and Harbagaw is gonna turn the offense around and they’re returning almost all of the 3rd best defense in the country and we’re gonna win the Big Ten and … STOP! have you been paying attention at all?! Optimistic, this site is not***…(also just kidding… all (both?)**** of you have already navigated away to a better site with a higher budget… probably Facebook… or bustyasianbeauties.com*****… so since you’re no longer reading this anyway, I’d like to say the following: FUUUU… Oh hey! you’re back!)
Others may be thinking I’ll be talking about the crazy schedule******, the POS offensive line whose only hope at left tackle was Old Yellered today when Grant Newsome announced his retirement, and yet another new QB to start the season… Well… that’s not a bad guess but no. I’m here to talk about solutions! SO! if you thought this post was already off the rails, then buckle up Sally. Nobody even rides trains anymore.
Here’s what Michigan should do: Continue reading “8/20/2018 FOOOOTBAAA”
Hi Everybody! Nobody is going to read this because it’s not football season but I’m bored so here’s some stuff about things that are going on.
It’s March which, if you’ve been following along, means that Duke is now Notre Dame, Notre Dame (still) sucks, and the whole country places bets based on which teams’ names they kinda remember from when they last heard them 11 months ago. That’s right it’s basketball season! And that’s all I’ve got for that topic… If you want more, convince Eric to do a guest post. He knows this stuff.
So… What else is going on… Oh! Remember Jim McElwain? The guy I kept making fun of for banging that shark*? Well Michigan hired him… because I guess I deserved that… and because Harbaugh thought the way to improve after his worst class yet was to hire the guy who couldn’t recruit in the state of Florida… AT FLORIDA!. Historically there have only been 3 easier recruiting tasks in college football: 3. Recruiting Ohio kids to OSU 2. “Recruiting” California kids to USC from 2000-2009 1. Anybody recruiting anyone away from Rutgers. On the plus side maybe Ed Warinner can take a bad offensive line, lose ts only good player, add zero significant new names to the roster, and turn it into something better than “suck”…
Also David Brandon is the worst**. First he ruins Domino’s (which pioneered delivery*** and didn’t used to taste like cardboard). Then he kills my football team. And now he’s destroying the memories and future childhoods of the entire American Population. For those of you who don’t know, David Brandon is(was?) now the CEO of Toys R Us. Also for those of you who don’t know, Toys R Us is bankrupt and closing all of their stores. And don’t you try to tell me that it’s not his fault or blame Amazon or the $5 billion in debt that Toys R Us accumulated 10 years before Brandon took over… It’s Brandon’s fault. It’s always his fault… “I didn’t wanna grow up, cause when I did… this jackass killed everything I loved as a kid.” Does Toys R Us sell toy sharks? Maybe we can lure Jim McElwain into an abandoned Toys R Us with David Brandon and never hear from either of them again. Then Michigan can hire Geoffrey as the new WR coach. He’s gonna need a job and after a decade of those Nickelodeon Super Toy Run shopping sprees I bet that guy is a route running genius.
* Allegedly
**This is the absolute nicest way I could write that statement… it went through several drafts.
***Times up. Three bucks off”
Welcome back! When we last met I had just finished discussing how the SEC East is bad… Like “Indiana is better than half of them” Bad… On to the SEC West!
Like the Big Ten, the SEC has a dominant division and a garbage division. The difference that the dominant division doesn’t have the depth. Usually 90% of their prestige is based on NFL team Alabama*. LSU is Michigan 8-9 years ago. They fired Les Miles (Lloyd Carr) who had them consistently competing but rarely beating the division rival that also happened to be one of the best teams in the country (Bama/OSU). We’ll see if their new coach is Rich Rod/Hoke or if they return to relevance soon. This year Auburn is 2015 MSU or Current/2016 Penn State. One of the best teams in the country but still kinda thought of as the historically 3rd best team in the division. Here’s the thing about this year though… Alabama hasn’t played anyone. They lost to Auburn. I’m always hesitant to pick against Alabama but maybe they’re not an NFL team* this year. They certainly haven’t done anything to PROVE they’re better than any of the other top 10 teams this year. Continue reading “11/29/17 – How The CFP should work”
Hey guys! Have you noticed a missing theme from this years’ posts? Remember how I used to always say there’s two possibilities? Either the Big Ten is all really good or the Big Ten sucks? Then I’d go on to explain that much like Schrodinger’s dead cat, once you open the box to examine it, there is really only one sad and depressing reality… Well this year is different! I think the Big Ten is actually really good. (Well… and/or the other teams are not very good) Let’s take a look around the outside first.
Continue reading “11/28/17 – Who am I and what did I do with me?”
This weeks post is brought to you by the Letters J P and P for John Pentiak. I’m posting his e-mail (with some dumb comments thrown in) here because I liked it.
So what an eventful Saturday. We saw lots of people hitting and running really fast and women in uniforms with very short skirts and a guy who’d been buried for 8 months be resurrected by a puddle that was basically the Lazarus pit but not the Lazarus pit for some reason…
we went to see The Justice League. I thought it was good. Also I’ve learned that I can’t watch movies anymore without HISHEing comments throughout the whole thing… In it there’s a newspaper with a headline that I almost couldn’t stop myself getting kicked out for singing “I’m thinking AYYEE AAYYYEEE AYYEE YEAH!”. Sorry people who watch movies with me…Anyway Continue reading “11/20/17 – This week, non Shakespearean version.. *SPOILER AHEAD*”
And doesn’t anybody ever know?
I’d need more than X-Ray to see Purdue
would knock me out the other league. F**k you!
My team? You’re asking how did that game go?
Screw you.. I’ll talk about “Not Football” though…
No, ass, mortgage is not the same as cash.
Sure, we can delay until December.
I just have projects piling up like trash.
Let’s pivot from this, film. about Justice.
Batman, Cyborg, Aqua Man and the Flash.
The villain was nothing to remember..
Stack of papers, bundled headline is read.
Makes me want to sing but whisper instead…
meanwhile a gap between center and guard.
…Ayee Ayee Ayee Superman’s Dead.
Hit was clean but man that was so damn hard.
Hopes for The Game were slim now all but gone.
Without Peters, OKorn we’re screwed. All done.
Brandon is out needs more than just stitches.
We’d need a miracle to see him play.
but we know that the world’s a subway.. AYEEEE
That’s iambic pentameter… bitches.*
*sort of.
Brady Hoke is interim head coach at Tennessee.
