In 2011 I brought a TV to my friend’s cottage so I could watch the first ever “Under the Lights” game through the window from outside. After Denard Robinson scored the 3rd “should be game winning” TD in the last 80 seconds I did a fully clothed front flip off of the edge of the dock in celebration. It was cold… I’m not that athletic… I used to be a sports fan. Since then the fire that was my passion for sports has been slowly fading. Maybe you’ve noticed the decline in the quality and quantity of content on this website.* Maybe you’ve gone through my trash and noticed a lack of TV subscription during sports seasons. (Please don’t do that.. it’s gross). Maybe you’re just generally aware of the overall state of every sports program in the state of Michigan… A breeze will come by and the embers will glow for an instant or two. Beach Volleyball wins gold. Robert Finke passes like 16 guys in the last 30 feet of a thousand mile swim** Yzerman is hired as GM. But all this really does is keep the wood unnoticeably decaying. No flame to admire. No heat to cause anyone to care…
Click for: It gets less sad… Not zero sad, but … less8/10/2021 Updated Rules for this BTE season:
- “Week 0” and “Week 1” will be combined (Week 0 only has one game). Send me either one pick for “Week 0” or one pick for “Week 1”.
- Weeks 2-13 will act as normal. Send me one team name each week the day before the first game of that week.
- If your pick wins that week you move on to the next week. If they lose you are eliminated
- If your pick’s game is postponed/cancelled after you send me the pick, you can contact me to choose a different team whose game has not yet started if available.
- If your pick’s game is postponed and you did not contact me to choose an alternate then you may continue to play the season as if the team you selected won BUT if that team loses the rescheduled game (or the game is never actually played) then it will count as you having been eliminated as of the date of the originally scheduled game.
- If your pick’s game is cancelled and you did not contact me to choose an alternate then you are eliminated.
- You can only pick each team once. (if you chose an alternate (4) then the original selection is “un-picked” and the replacement is “picked”)
- If at any time there is only one player remaining that person shall be declared the winner (if they have postponed games to make up (5) then this “declaration” is delayed pending the outcome of the rescheduled game.
- If at any time there are no players remaining, all players that were eliminated in the most recent week shall share the title of “first place”. (again, pending the outcome of rescheduled games).
- With the combined “Week 0″/”Week 1” + 12 “regular” weeks there will be 13 picks in total. Therefore there will be 1 team that you don’t have to pick.
- If multiple people make it all the way through the regular season then the Tie Breaker will be determined by the Big Ten Championship game. Each remaining participant will select the winner and the total score. The person who chose the correct Big Ten Champion AND has score closest to the actual score without going over (Price is Right Rules!) will be the winner.
- If no participant selects the correct winner then all “tie breaker” participants share the title for “first place”
- If all participants who selected the correct winner chose a score higher than the total then all who chose the correct winner shall share the title for “first place”
12/10/2020 Two things
- I saw a 247 post on Facebook today that prompted a response comment. Here’s the article and here’s my comment: Michigan Wolverines on 247Sports | Facebook
This is a bullshit take. No defense of Harbaugh and yes I think he should be gone after this year but recruiting is not his issue. What coach hasn’t had to compete in 4 years? It wasn’t Nick Saban… Here’s how you tell if you’ve recruited well: How highly ranked are your recruiting classes? How many of your players make the NFL? Find a modern day U-M coach with better statistics at either… Who’s the last coach who pulled a Dax Hill?Yes, the skill positions may be lacking…. The QBs have been abysmal since Jake Rudock, WRs have underachieved, and RB has been a platoon (like most of college football) rather than a star… but recruiting has probably been the best aspect of this coaching regime. The problem? Everything else. Top 10 recruiting classes have been made irrelevant due to attrition. Lack of player development/utilization means you waste the talent you’ve got. DPJ/Black/Collins/Bell, Butt/Chesson/Darboh, how did these not dominate the league? (bad QB mostly…) Poor motivation means you come out flat against god awful MSU teams (and almost lose to Rutgers). Bad game management/play calling means you look embarrassing on the field (although some of this might be that your QB isn’t good enough/prepared enough to run the actual offense which is again.. coaching). The 2 minute drill still takes 4 and a half minutes… I could keep going.. There’s lots wrong with this team and the Harbaugh era… I have no problem with criticism “I love to hate the team I love” is kinda my thing… but criticize accurately… Recruiting is this regime’s strength. (I’ll add here that the only way to improve Michigan’s recruiting is to get better at cheating. I’m not naive enough to say U-M doesn’t “cheat” *cough* Dax Hill *cough* but we’re not on the Alabama “Glad there’s no salary cap” level of cheating. Whether or not moving more towards that direction is a good or bad thing is the topic of another post*
2. Today we confirmed that the Big Ten should be renamed to “The Lobbyists for Ohio State “** Look… Ohio State is clearly the only team in the Big Ten that isn’t awful (see last post) but that doesn’t matter. Rules are made for a reason and integrity should be at thing. You can’t change the rules all nimbly bimbly just because you think someone “should” win… Otherwise I’d win this friggen tournament every year and Beyonce would have Taylor Swift’s Gammy… It’s late so here’s a quick summary of what happened: 3 months ago the Big Ten came up with some rules for this season…
Shipdit#1: “Hey guys… What happens if Rutgers beats MSU and then gets Covid the rest of the year (pretty likely)… Then OSU and Rutger would have the same winning percentage?”
Shipdit#2: “Oh shit… and what if Michigan and Penn State aren’t dumpster fires and one of them squeaks out a win against OSU… We’d better make a rule that says you have to play 6 games to qualify for Indy… That way no trash teams can get in over a proven good team like OSU”
…. 3 months later…
Shipdit#1: “uhhhh… hey guys… all but 2 of the teams in our conference forgot how to football… Ohio State is probably good but has only played 4 games against bad teams and pulled out a close win against Indiana… Remember those rules we set to protect OSU? Well now they’re ineligible… Currently it’s Indiana (the closest team to “proving itself”) vs Northwestern….
Shipdit#2: “Is there a way to change the rules so Ohio State can make the playoffs?”
Shipdit#1: “Well… Yeah but it screws Indiana…and like I said Ohio State hasn’t really prov…***”
Shipdit#2: “Great it’s settled.. OSU wins everything… I know Northwestern Sucks but maybe send those refs who slapped JT Barret’s ass in 2016 to Indy just to be on the safe side…”
*Hopefully it will matter less soon if NIL rights/player $$ rules change.
**That’s the polite version of what I wanted to say.. What I meant was “The kings of suck Buckeyes (which are hairless nuts and/or peanut butter/chocolate balls) mountain”
***yeah I know, they beat Indiana so it’s easy to argue OSU should go over Indiana… but come on.. 1. You’re ending the regular season playing 5 games, only 1 against a team that is ranked (at the end of the season). 2. Who would you rather see? Indiana vs Northwestern or OSU vs. Northwestern?
12/9/2020 The Obligatory use of the word “Obligatory” in the title of this post about the status Big Ten
Hey everybody! It’s been a while (again). This season has been rough for content… It’s just difficult when an article has been preparing all week and is excited to go up on post day… Then a couple of sections sneak out to a frat party for some “Words with Friends.” A daily spell check comes back with a false negative… some topics have allegedly given up and are avoiding the next week’s subject all together… Next thing you know the season is almost over and several articles had caught Covid and had to cancel their posts… Well let’s make due with what time we have left. We’re a game away from the end of the “regular*” “season” which means it’s time for the <points to headline> “everybody sucks**” post. Here we go:
Read morE11/13/2020 *Throat clearing noises*
Sorry I blacked out for a second there. It’s still October right? Nothing has happened since my last post. Minnesota is still a killer offense that just had a rough outing against Maryland? Northwestern still sucks right? They just… Covid-weirded week 1? Penn State is still good despite James Franklin being ironically* dumber than Pat Narduzzi kicking a field goal down 7 on the 1 yard line with 5 minutes left. (Also ironically**, Pitt missed the FG). Wisconsin obviously is going to Indy with a 8-0/7-1 record now that Minnesota is out right? Michigan is still undefeated and we’re all super pumped at how good the OL looks? Joe “Cool” Milton looks like what Devin Gardner would have been with a non-Al Borges OC? Michigan fans are still laughing at how much Rutgers sucks? Michigan fans are still laughing at how Michigan State lost to Rutgers who sucks? Rocky Lombardi is a hilariously bad QB? Like.. he totally doesn’t even look as good as any QB Harbaugh has had since Jake Rudock right? Hey how do you guys think the election will turn out? It’s gonna be real weird not knowing who the President will be on election day for once;***** but I’m sure glad the media has made this clear and everybody seems to understand the patience required in these unique circumstances. Glad these Covid numbers are down… Maybe we can start opening the country soon. I just restocked my bar/beer fridge and it’d be nice to share some of it with some friends and relatives over the Holidays…. Well it’s a Friday night and I’m about to play some videogames with some friends… May as well crack open a … hey where’d it all go?
*Alanis Morrissette irony… e.g.*** not Ironic
**Un-Alanis Morrissette Ironic;**** “a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.” You’d expect he hit the easy FG (FROM THE FRIGGEN 1 YARD LINE!!!) but it not to matter… but he didn’t…. which is funny.
*** see what I did there?
****https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PipX3k3frKU
*****Nailed it.
PS. Stay tuned for the “real” fire everyone analysis from the last 2 weeks but right now I’m gonna go watch some more train-wreck 2020 hand-egg!
10/30/2020 I FORGOT THE IMPORTANT SECTION!
So I had started writing the last post before the announcement that Covid-19 was this years Big Ten West Champion. Then something happened. One dumbass voice inspired me. At least briefly, I had a topic about which I was excited to write. A spark ignited. A fire was lit. Once again there was a burning passio…. what? … oh … are you sure? I mean they’re just words… yeah that would be bad… Ok I better safe than sorry I guess. My editor* has warned me than any more inspiration clichés could cause more wildfires in California** So yeah… I had a plan.. and then I forgot to write it. I now realize that this section was missing from the previous post. It was supposed to tie into the Wisconsin section. I call this section the “Puck Faul Pinebaum” section.
For those of you who don’t know: Paul Finebaum the SEC shill who word vomits takes too stupid to be considered “hot.” He’s the one who look Mitch McConnell and Bill Hader’s SNL impression of James Carville were in some kind of horrific “The Fly” style science accident. So Wisconsin announces they have COVID and Paul decides it’s an excellent opportunity to call out the Big Ten’s handling of COVID. “This is what the Big Ten wanted, ‘We’re done, we’re not playing football this year'”… yeah because the Big Ten is notorious for hating money… You can criticize several aspects of the way the Big Ten has handled the season. I’m no going to insult you by pretending the decision was solely based on their noble concerns for their students… Some if it was because forcing a “bubble” environment is both impossible in a college environment and hurts the “Amateurism in college football” argument. Some of it was because myocarditis information was just coming out and they probably didn’t want a 19 year kid die on live TV/in front of a live audience of 114,000***. None of it was because they decided “We just don’t want to play football this year…”
Finebaum went on “And then they were forced back into it because they looked around and they saw Notre Dame playing, and they saw everyone else playing, and they it saw it being successful.” No, Shipdits… The intense pushback from student athletes showed the position of those most affected and the development of Rapid Testing created the opportunity to have a football season without the actual act of football significantly increasing the risk/spread of infection. (Players/coaches get tested daily. Test results come back instantly. Therefore contagious players should be isolated from the team before they have a chance to infect others… Also they’re monitoring myocarditis for anyone who tests positive.) It’s not flawless… A false negative (or Rutgers) could still fubar up the whole thing but it sure seams like it’s a lot less risky than… I don’t know… college? So yeah… did the Big Ten use the new strategies and information to re-evaluate the feasibility of a safe and successful season? Or did they go “Oh well if Notre Dame is playing I guess we have no choice…”
Finally he states “They did this so Ohio State had a legitimate shot at the National Championship.” What?! He’s ripping the Big Ten for imposing a 21 day quarantine instead of 10 or 14. The biggest threat to an undefeated Ohio State IS COVID. Other undefeated/1 loss teams have already played 4 or 6 games… How is potentially eliminating quality wins in an already shortened season going to help OSU get to a national championship? No way a 4-0 OSU team gets in ove… and Minnesota just missed an extra point in overtime. I don’t care anymore… Everyone’s eliminated… Well played 2020.. See ya’ll next year****
*I don’t actually have an editor… Staff budget was all blown on the renewal fees. For Archer fans think of the editor as “Other Barry” For non-Archer fans… watch Archer.
**Also probably cancer… Everything causes cancer in California
***What, aren’t all stadiums that big?
****Just kidding. Stay tuned next week when we talk about how that’s probably PJ Fleck’s fault…
10/28/2020 Welcome to the 2020 Big Ten Football Seas… and it’s over.
I’ll be honest… Normally I’m excited about this stuff. In the past I’ve been pretty enthusiastic about pretending I know things about football. I enjoy writing about said (typed?) things on a website for which I spend way too much money. (Seriously, thanks to all those who donate.) But lately… meh… Maybe it’s the shortened season… Maybe it’s the realization that my team is destined to repeat the same “successful” but ultimately underwhelming outcome… Maybe I’m just disappointed that I’ve waited too long and now all of my brilliant ideas for David Brandon T-Shirts and Jim McElwain shark comics are outdated*… But what the hell… I just opened an e-mail telling me how much I’ve been charged for a 3 year renewal of web hosting fees so I guess we’re committed until 2023. Let’s do this!
Continue reading “10/28/2020 Welcome to the 2020 Big Ten Football Seas… and it’s over.”11/20/2019 – Fixing the NCAA
Hey look! A post! I haven’t seen one of these in weeks! And after the Elimination season is over? A truly rare sight indeed.. No no Shhh! be careful, you’ll scare it! Anyway, as promised, here’s my fool proof way to fix the NCAA! What’s wrong with the NCAA? I thought you loved college football? A. The NCAA is more than just college football. It’s a hypocritical garbage organization created 100 years ago to protect student athletes, and instead, well, doesn’t… but yeah… actually I am talking about fixing college football and 2. yeah I like football but wouldn’t it not suck even more if it didn’t have cheating, “cheating”, cover ups, players skipping bowl games, player exploitation, Alabama, lot’s of even worse stuff that I won’t mention because that’d really bummer up the tone of this post… you get the idea. Anyway here we go:
Continue reading “11/20/2019 – Fixing the NCAA”10/24/2019: Bonus Panel!
I meant to create this “bonus panel” immediately after the red hat guy comic… I never got around to making it until now.
10/4/2019 I’m Back!
Turns out when your team sucks it’s hard to get motivated to write about football. (looks back at the season predictions) Hey! we already jumped to week 14! But Doug, aren’t you feeling better after last week? No. Rutgers isn’t a real Big Ten team. They’re hardly good enough to be a MAC team… Maybe not even a football team… I’m pretty sure The Lahser Knights could beat Rutgers… And they’re a high-school team… that doesn’t even exist anymore… The only thing Rutgers can do well is lose Heisman candidate running backs to other Big Ten Schools. Nothing about a performance against Rutgers is indicative of your team’s ability to football in any other game of football*
Continue reading “10/4/2019 I’m Back!”