Football, is infuriating. It used to be great… or at least good. Good enough that in my youth I could be enough of a fanboy to shit on fan’s of lesser sports, like soccer, or track for being a less exciting, no contact, Nance version of sports with not enough scoring and/or no defense. But in an all-too-common business strategy these days, NCAA TV executives have taken a perfect entertainment product and slowly made it worse in order to milk every last dollar out of its customers. Their users are so locked into the ecosystem that they’ll put up with more and more bullshit… because they have to. You have to have subscribe to Peacock to watch certain games. Want to buy a ticket? Have to do that online and then pay 50% extra for Stub Hub fees. You’ll still have to sit through ad breaks, but instead of the same TV spot with Nick Saban and a duck, you get to stare at a guy in a red hat and listen to Not-The-Band music over the PA system.. Even I put up with this for years. I did this in part because Michigan was good, and college football was entertaining. Yes, it was annoying but 1) you can start the game late and fast forward through the commercials and B) My team won the National Championship!
What threw me over the edge9/29/2024 A Nerdy Analogy
Microsoft Windows is infuriating. It used to be great… or at least good. Good enough that in my youth I could be enough of a fanboy to shit on Macintosh for being a locked down, Fisher Price version of an operating system with no right-click that couldn’t play games.* But in an all-too-common business strategy these days, Microsoft has taken a fine product and slowly made it worse in order to milk every last dollar out of its customers. Their users are so locked in to the ecosystem that they’ll put up with more and more bullshit… because they have to. You have to have an internet connection in order to register Windows. Do you want to turn off customized ads? You’ll still get ads, but they just won’t be driven by the data we collect from you. And yes, we will still collect the data from you. Even I put up with this for years. I did this in part because (to Microsoft’s credit), they somewhat made up for this by basically giving away Windows for free. Yes, it still costs $100-$200 for a “legit” license but 1) They seem to give away the updates for free. I think I last paid for Windows… XP? Maybe 7?, tied it to my account and haven’t been asked for a new key once through multiple OS upgrades and or newly built machines. And B) Alternative Legit or Semi-Legit copies are dirt cheap ($15) and while I think these are supposed to be for specific users (not normies like me), they are valid keys and Microsoft never seems to care about enforcing restrictions.
What threw me over the edge9/14/2024 A Disappointing Season
It’s 1:00 a.m. I’m out on my patio with a good cigar, a decent scotch, and my laptop. This is where my football creative juices usually shine… No that doesn’t make sense… Juice doesn’t shine… Juice is… sweet? Sticky? I don’t know… Despite as much excited as I want to be about writing a football blog, it’s hard to follow up the greatness that was the past few seasons. It’s easier to focus on the negatives. Sure, this is a nice laptop, but the keys aren’t as deep as the mechanical board I used most of last year. I spent so much time warming up and trying to write something new, the cigar went out. The second draw was so without smoke that all it left was the stale taste of air through no longer hot tobacco leaf. Much like Mason Graham at defensive end, as cool as this setup looks, it’s simply not going to be as affective as last years.
Click for… Optimism?? Eventually…9/3/2024 Football is BACK!!!
No.
What?
NO!
What do you mean no? The season actually already star…
No. College Football is over. Michigan beat it and it broke the game.
Broke the g- No. Stop that. We can’t have AFT-CPOV-CLD* (Alternative Font Type-Contradictory Point of View-Common Literary Device) and “life is a video game simulation” featured in the same post… We might get sued.
No you won’t. You don’t make any money and nobody reads this.
Ouch.
Hey, you wrote it.
Click for more AFT-CPOV-CLD11/6/2023 We Did It!!! You’re all in for a treat.
We did it! I’d like to congratulate myself, Brandon, Matt, and the entire Iowa fan base for achieving our goal. Despite Iowa being the most likely to win the Big Ten West, Brian Ferentz will not be returning as Iowa Offensive Coordinator next season.* Some will say that this is because Iowa’s defense failed to bail him out with 25 points a game, but we know the truth. It was you guys. Your comments have granted Iowa some hope for the future. Congratulations. As a reward for your efforts, I present you with something special. I assume you’re all tired hearing about signs and bad football teams. So I present you with this: This is the greatest and best thing I’ve ever written…
Click for something different10/26/2023 This is all one big misunderstanding
So I was called out in the comments for not bringing up the sign stealing in my last post. I responded by saying it hadn’t come out at the time of writing the article. But I need to be honest. I knew this was coming out. I was aware of what was going on. Because I did it. I purchased tickets to numerous Big Ten football games under what I thought was a fake name. I sent colleagues to these games with high tech video surveillance equipment. I analyzed the tape. I deconstructed teams’ game plans. I evaluated player potential. I friggen watched Rutgers… I did this all so I could present you, the reader, with the high-quality team-by-team analysis you’ve come to expect from this blog. You’re welcome (and please increase donations… tickets are expensive).
Connor Friggen Stalions10/16/2023 – Don’t be like me
Way to go Matt and Brandon! It’s only been one post later and I’m pretty sure we’ve already met our goal of “more comments than Brian Ferentz has scoring drives!” At this rate, we may have more comments than Brian Ferentz has average yards per game! The bad news is that Iowa is probably going to win the Big Ten West. This will result in two things: One, the most poetically fitting end the Big Ten West’s existence. In its final year before the expansion/reorg, the “Bee Tee Dubs” will crown the worst offense in college football its champion. Two, it will give Kirk Nepotism the excuse he needs to keep his son around for another year. Yay!!! But here’s the good news: Now that we’ve got the comments out of the way, I don’t have to worry about alienating half of my readership. There’s a specific type of content that has been mostly absent from this year’s blog post… MICHIGAN!
Click For More Content… please9/29/2023 The Big Ten Sucks!!!
I’m leaving… That’s fine because I’ve got good news! I received real life confirmation that I have gained an additional reader! That puts my total viewership well over the total number of points that Iowa scored against Penn State. I’d have to do some math, but I’m pretty sure it puts me over the average points per game that Iowa’s offense will score all season… Now here’s the bad news… that confirmed new reader is my dad. I’ve been writing this crap for 6 years and until last week, not even my family was reading it.* I suppose Iowa could learn a bit from my family’s lack of nepotism…. In fact, I have a proposition… For those of you unaware, earlier this season Kirk Ferentz publicly wagered his son’s job on the ability of Iowa to average 25 points per game by the end of the season. Sadly, despite competing in the Big Ten West, it doesn’t look like they’re going to make it.. so now he’s now trying to weasel his son into staying by counting points scored by the defense. Well, here’s my idea: Let’s see how many comments and guest posts I can get for the rest of the season. If I get more comments than Brian Ferentz gets touchdowns or field goals, then he gets fired. Brian Ferentz only… Defensive and Special teams scores don’t count. What do you say, Kirk? If you win… you get to play another Michigan vs Penn State highlight to pump up your team next year**
Some More Bad Big Ten9/17/2023 This post is early this year…
The Big Ten SUCKS! Whoa whoa whoa… what are you doing? It’s week 3! This post doesn’t come until week 10 or 11! Where’s the in depth, incorrect analysis of every team? Where’s the “THE BIG TEN IS AWESOME!” post? Where are the Brian Kelly memes? And most importantly WHERE ARE THE CARTOONS ABOUT DAVID BRANDON AND COACH SHARK F#$%@#? Look, the rules changed this year. Running clock means more bullshit and less football content. Something had to get cut… And like a fullback trying to field a Bowling Green kickoff, I dropped the ball. And as for the cartoons, those jokes aren’t even relevant anymore… Admit it, this post is now the most you’ve heard about David Brandon in years… And making fun of Tim TackleWain now that he’s coaching CMU and not Florida or the karmically hilarious Michigan WR group just seems mean*. And who knows… if I skip to the week 10 article now, maybe I’ll come up with something new for the rest of the season! Let’s move on…
Why the Big Ten and some other teams suck9/12/2023 LOL, Purdue!
That is all….
But wait! That’s not all