11/6/2023 We Did It!!! You’re all in for a treat.

We did it! I’d like to congratulate myself, Brandon, Matt, and the entire Iowa fan base for achieving our goal. Despite Iowa being the most likely to win the Big Ten West, Brian Ferentz will not be returning as Iowa Offensive Coordinator next season.* Some will say that this is because Iowa’s defense failed to bail him out with 25 points a game, but we know the truth. It was you guys. Your comments have granted Iowa some hope for the future. Congratulations. As a reward for your efforts, I present you with something special. I assume you’re all tired hearing about signs and bad football teams. So I present you with this: This is the greatest and best thing I’ve ever written…

Tribute. You see, a long time ago, me and my brother Matt here, we were sitting in Mrs. Volpe’s 12th grade creative writing class. It was near the end of the year and my creative (mighty) juice was running low. I don’t remember exactly what the assignment was, but Matt and I finally got paired up to be each others review partners. All of the sudden… there sparked a sparky idea… in the middle… of Mrs. Volpe’s weird circle seating arrangement.

You see, Matt and I were big Tenacious D fans. And I thought, “Hey, what if I wrote a short story from the perspective of the other witness to the greatest and best song in the world? The Shiny Demon!” So I did.

The story opens with the tale of a lonely tormented creature. You see, demons aren’t supposed to be shiny. They’re black, and red, and cloaked in darkness and smoke and terrifying. So this poor shine-tastic bastard was teased and tormented by his demonic brethren. And remember, these guys are all demons… they made the shit** Rudolph got from his reindeer co-workers seem like they were throwing him a super soft birthday party. Now, I don’t remember all of the details… This is not that story. This is just a tribute… to the greatest and best thing I’ve ever written.

But here’s what I remember about how the story goes: Shinezilla is pissed… and depressed… He’s walking down… a long and lonesome road. Contemplating life, and his birth defect (shininess). Kicking rocks. Trying to light them on fire, but just instead just covering them in glitter*** All of the sudden, he sees two humans hitchhiking. They’ve got over-sized guitars strapped to their backs, the perfect band T-shirts picked out.. It’s clearly Gig-Day. This is his chance. Captain Shine pops out from the bushes, startling the two wanderers. He musters all the intimidation that he can… and he said.. “Play the greatest song in the world… or I’ll eat your souls.”

Now I know what all of you are thinking. Why are you writing this on a website called bigtenelimination.com? This is not anything related to anything else on this website. This is just a tribute.. to the greatest thing I’ve ever written.

Well the two wanderers who clearly started every morning with 7 or 8 deep knee rock squats.. in a row… they looked at each other… and they each said: OK. And to Sir Shines-a-Lots shock, and simultaneous dismay and amazement, the wanderers played the first thing that came to their heads, which just so happened to be the best song in the world. Well needless to say, our protagonist MC Shiney D was stunned. His whoopy tail gave out an involuntary whip-crack**** Shiner-Boch asked the two, “Be you Angels?” But we know, nay… They were but men.

Now the song says the beast was done… but that song is told from the perspective of the wanderers. In reality, the song was more powerful than the souls of a thousand wanderers. The Shiny Demon may have been different, but he was smart, and quick on his feet (I mean hooves). He quickly gathered all of his shiny might and flashed KG and Jables with a light more intense than the Men In Black Neuralyzer. The two forgot their song. The Demon stole it for himself and brought it back to his hellish homeland. He shared his tale with his brethren. No longer was he ridiculed and tormented. From then on, he was known as The Shiny Demon King. Demons worshipped and admired him. The power of Shine became a trait coveted by generations of demons until the end of time. Our hero became a legend.

Now I’m guessing you all are thinking, “Ok but how are you going to tie this all back into football, or Michigan, or signs,,, I mean Shine does rhyme with sign… but no… This post is not about Conner Stalions, or Michigan, or Football… This is just a tribute to the greatest and best thing I’ve ever written… 20 years ago… This blog is merely an attempt to recreate that magic. But although I am proud of some of the things I’ve written here, this blog is not the greatest creative outlet I’ve ever achieved.

This is just a tribute.

*In unrelated news, Kirk has announced co-defensive coordinator Ryan Berentz will be joining the program next year… He looks just like Brian Ferentz but he has a fake mustache… and a mohawk… and a wheel chair.

**Side note, I have a weird memory about certain things… Mrs. Volpe would ask for volunteers to read their creative writing pieces to the circle. For some reason, I still recall Emily Franche reading her story and censoring a curse word in her dialogue. Volpes interrupted and insisted that we were all adults and art is art…. Then seemingly caught completely off guard and flabbergasted as Emily re-read the line as “we don’t have to take this shit.” I remember that… but not what I did with the actual story I wrote for this project… Or the names of half the players on my hockey team…. I’m weird.

***For what it’s worth, glitter is far more evil than fire… If only our tormented protagonist had realized this, he could have been the most powerful demon in the world.

****The whip-crack of a demon’s tail is actually a powerful tool in a normal demon’s arsenal. Our hero, Shiny McShineface had been previously unable to achieve such a feat. The song from the two wanderers was so enlightening, in unlocked parts of him that he had not known existed.