I bet you thought there wouldn’t be any content this week, right? I’m eliminated and now I’ll go all radio silent for the rest of the year and you’ll finally get some peace. Well jokes on you! I just got another bill for an automatic payment for this damn website and if I’m stuck with it for another year I’m gonna keep annoying all of you*
I don’t know if you paid any attention over the last two weeks of football, but something happened that was apparently kind of a big deal. The Big Ten became only the 2nd conference ever to have 5 teams in the Top Ten college football rankings. Neat. But what does this really mean?
It means a couple of things. 1. if you watched any B1G football you got to hear about it repeatedly and 2. if you watched any B1G football you also got to hear about how the SEC has done it twenty-some-odd times. I believe it was Joel Klatt who at one point said something like “and to those who say we over-rate the SEC, yeah they’re pretty good”… No, dumbass… they’re overrated… because… you over-rate them… your logic is now “see! they’re not over rated because we rate them really high a lot of the time…”** But I digress… Iowa ended up ruining everything by getting serial crushed by Purdue! This eliminated almost anyone without the convenient ability to threaten a Big Ten opponent with court martial…
So this is where we are. Iowa can’t score double digits at home against Purdue. Wisconsin isn’t ranked. Penn State’s Sean Clifford still isn’t practicing after Iowa broke him. I’m eliminated… Everything sucks. The Big Ten is not good and… Oh come on! What? 1. It’s way too early in the season for the “Everybody sucks at football” post. Second: You completely skipped the “Everyone is awesome and the Big Ten is way better than the SEC” post. and C)The Big Ten has 6 teams in the top 25! That’s still pretty friggen impresssive! Yes but they’re not really g-No! I’m tired of this. everyone just thinks they’re g- Everyone is good! Michigan is undefeated. Michigan State is undefeated. Everyone is good! FOotBall is GOOD!! But there is a fundamental flaw in the “everyone is good” logic- STOP IT!!! I’m NOT LISteNing!!! LALALALA!
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… Well? Well what? This is the part where you point out that the bold italic voice in your head is wrong and prove to all of you loyal reader that the… Sane? part of you knows soooo much about football. No… I’m good. You go ahead Mr. “Everyone good at football” Who in the Big Ten is any good. Really? Fine no problem. Ohio State: I mean sure they lost an early game to a good Oregon team-Who lost to Stanford-AND… has since turned their D Coordinator into a waterboy and thus eliminated their only weakness. Fine. Wisconsin and Indiana aren’t ranked but all of their losses are to ranked teams… mostly.. at.. home. fair… Penn State was crushing it until their QB got murdered by #4 Iowa who then… lost.. to .. Purdue… BUT Purdue might not be bad! They beat Illinois and… Conneticut… Getting warmer… And like I said, Michigan and Michigan State are undefeated this year! And sure their non-conference wins against Washington and Miami don’t look as impressive anymore but they did follow it up with solid showings against teams that turned out to be better than expected. And who were those teams? Nebraska! A Big Ten team that was supposed to suck but turns out to be pretty good despite… you know… losing… Sure, Scott Frost likes to lose games in spectacularly hilarious fashion, but those games WERE to #3 Oklahoma, Undefeated MSU and… Illinois… BUT! they did put up 56 points! against… Northwestern… hmmm. You said “teams” plural? Yes! Nebraska and … Rutgers… Oh god… There it is. OH GOD! The fundamental flaw in the “Big Ten is awesome” theory is that it assumes Rutgers doesn’t suck! Bingo. Everybody kept saying “Greg Schiano has brought Rutgers back.” “Greg Schiano is a good coach.” “Look how much better their defense is this year” “They’ve had a really tough schedule”… Why!?! Why would anyone give Rutgers the benefit of the doubt?! They played Temple and Delaware?!?! Their players are STILL getting arrested for being morons*** And THEN they went out and got their ASS KICKED by Northwestern! NOrThWESterN!!! Northwestern is TeRRRiBLE!!! They were supposed to be this year’s Rutgers!!! Except that we were wrong and Rutgers is still this year’s Rutgers!!!! I mean, Nebraska put up 56 points on Northwestern… And Nebraska lost to Illinois for $%^# sake… How the hell did Michigan almost lose these New Jersey Ass Hats**** almost two years in a row?!! Fire Harbaugh!!! The Big Ten DOES suck!…
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I hate you. On the plus side, it looks like everyone might suck this year***** Including Clemson and Alabama!!
*Who are dumb enough to you know… go to this website and be annoyed?! Look that logic makes about as much sense as… well I won’t spoil it, but:
**This
***Rutgers suspends 2 arrested football players ahead of Michigan game – mlive.com
****For the record, I’m calling Rutgers a bunch of Ass Hats and stating that they are from New Jersey… Both “New Jersey” and “Ass Hats” are modifying the noun “Rutgers.” “Ass Hats” is not modifying “New Jersey” in this context. Glad we got that cleared up. Have a nice day.
*****Except Georgia… And Alabama will go to the playoffs even if they do suck because we’re all sinners and that is our punishment.