AAALLLL!!!
is less than 2 weeks away. Hope you all had a wonderful offseason. The Big Ten didn’t… But… this is supposed to be a humorous* website so let’s ignore all of that for now…I’d rather not start the season off on a sad note and I don’t know how to make spousal abuse, sexual assault, and grown men hazing teenagers literally to death funny**. Maybe we’ll come back to this later once the football part of the football season has made me sad for football reasons.
So: let’s focus on everybody’s favorite topic and the most important thing in the world from September to December. Michigan Football!! Now some of you might be thinking that I’m gonna talk about how Shea Patty Pat was just announced as Michigan’s new QB and the Wide Receivers/TE are amazing and Harbagaw is gonna turn the offense around and they’re returning almost all of the 3rd best defense in the country and we’re gonna win the Big Ten and … STOP! have you been paying attention at all?! Optimistic, this site is not***…(also just kidding… all (both?)**** of you have already navigated away to a better site with a higher budget… probably Facebook… or bustyasianbeauties.com*****… so since you’re no longer reading this anyway, I’d like to say the following: FUUUU… Oh hey! you’re back!)
Others may be thinking I’ll be talking about the crazy schedule******, the POS offensive line whose only hope at left tackle was Old Yellered today when Grant Newsome announced his retirement, and yet another new QB to start the season… Well… that’s not a bad guess but no. I’m here to talk about solutions! SO! if you thought this post was already off the rails, then buckle up Sally. Nobody even rides trains anymore.
Here’s what Michigan should do:
Two Defenses. Don Brown has proven that he can take 10 first year starters and Mike McCray and create the 3rd best defense in the country. The offense has proven that they can occasionally not give up more points than they score. So: get rid of the offense. Move anyone useful to “Second Defense” And use all future scholarships/recruiting efforts to field 2 complete Don Brown Defenses. DPJ and Black move to CB/Special teams. TEs convert to linebackers. Chase Winovich plays every snap because he’s insane.
Here’s the in game strategy: play zero offense. Take a kickoff/punt return with a normal special teams unit. If you don’t score on the kick/punt return then immediately attempt a field goal or punt. Then play defense. All of Michigans points will be achieved through 1. TD returns on kickoffs/punts 2. immediate field goals after bad punts/punt returns/blocked punts/muffed punts/etc 3. Safeties 4. defensive touchdowns (pick sixes/fumble recoveries). Now an excellent punter is essential for this plan’s success BUT… The opponent’s offense should never start with the ball in U-M territory. Without a terrible offense giving up pick sixes and fumbling on they’re own 20 there’s no way 2 fully stacked Don Brown Defenses give up more points than they score by the above methods. Besides: the other teams won’t have 2 full offenses which means they’ll be playing 60 min. By the second half anyone not suffering from Chase Winovich related PTSD will be too exhausted to compete.
Don Brown becomes Head Coach/Defensive Coordinator. Mattison becomes OC (other defensive coordinator). Harbaugh and Pep take a pay cut and coach special teams if they want (see it even makes sense financially!!!). Jim McElwain quits to lead a desperate petition for more Sharknado sequels because they are literally like porn to him. (allegedly). Everybody is happy! (Except the sharks… and the other teams’ offenses)
Man… season hasn’t even started and I’m already this far passed the hookah smoking caterpillar? Good luck everyone! (Not really.. please lose)
*My fictitious legal team has informed me that there is no guarantee of humorous content in association with this website.
**Again, the lawyers are telling me to clarify that I may or may not know how to make anything funny.
***See, Yoda was paying attention
****The return of nested parenthesis! POINTS!
*****POINTS if you know what show this references (Do John or Sam read this?)
******Wisconsin 3 years in a row? WTF Delaney
Quote and unquote:
At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this site is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Love you! I hope you die with a knife in your neck and in the biggest fire known to man you jerk!
Go Green!
On the contrary… It dawned on my today that we still have Quinn Nordin who makes 100% of his field goals over 45 yards and 0% under 30. The strategy is made for guys like him… Also turns out both of Tarik Black’s feet are made of glass so our offense just went from “Quite Possibly Gonna Suck unless Shea Pat doesn’t need an offensive line” to “Quite Probably Gonna Suck unless Shea Pat doesn’t need an offensive line”
Ah, but you forget the Higdon hulk-ifying. Just give him the ball like 30 times, and then loft it over the broken and beaten 3rd string defense’s heads.