Evan Peters
Eric Hosey is Kelly’s younger brother, and therefore, if you were paying attention to the posts on the website*, also my cousin. He and I were pretty close growing up and shared many similar interests. We both played baseball and hockey, spent way too much time playing (and too much money on our parents’ phone bill discussing) Mario 64, and ended up becoming engineers.
I thought Eric and I had remained close throughout college. But in hindsight, I believe this was all a clever ruse to get revenge. Looking back on it, it seems clear to me that the N64 era gaming sessions had secretly driven a wedge between us. He was a better gamer than I was. And he had a subscription to Nintendo Power. On one of those phone bill discussions, he mentioned a contest involving Mario Kart 64 and the chance to win a then competition exclusive Gold N64 controller. In order to enter, you had to complete a Mario Raceway time-trial run in under 1 min 30 seconds and take a picture of your time. I decided to enter, and although his time was better, I ended up winning the controller. He would never let this go.
Of course, I was oblivious to this at the time. We continued to hang out throughout college. Although he went to Michigan and I went to Michigan State, I spent many weekends in East Lansing. Things that seemed like innocent mistakes, disappearing into the employees only section of Dublin Square, making sure I got the obligatory piece of hair in the order of Pokey Sticks from Gumby’s**… It seems clear to me now that this was all planned.
Well years later, he finally got his revenge. I finally make the top 3 of my own Big Ten elimination league and guess who knocks me out.. My own family. And now that vengeance is complete, he’s dropped out of the league under the guise of “having a family,” and “more important things to do than care about keeping up with a college football league that is getting progressively worse.” Well congratulations, Eric. Enjoy your freedom from the scourge that is the NCAA. See you at Thanksgiving.
* I mean… He’s still my cousin even if you weren’t paying attention…but … look I’m an Engineer, not a writer, read something else if you want literary coherence.
**I mean… or maybe every piece comes with hair but you’re usually too drunk to notice… who knows.
Evan Peters
Evan Peters and I have known each other since Elementary school. Evan was a grade below me which meant every other year I had to beg my dad (the coach of the Eastover Elementary Little League Baseball Team) to cut him. https://youtu.be/kl_dIxnUiqY, You see, Peters was a competitor and I did not need any of that getting in the way of my 4th grade point shaving system. Imagine my surprise years later when he showed up to the DKE house and decided to pledge. His competitive spirit was as fervent as ever. Sensing an opportunity, I greased some palms and ended up getting matched up as his “Big Brother.” The partnership started out great. His pledge class came up with games, I won a dollar. Thursdays trained us both. God help those poor Lahser kids when we went home on holidays and found a local beer pong tournament. I cleaned house.
Then tragedy struck. His competitive nature got the best of him during a trash-can-race (Evan Peters just before the wall) He won the race but suffered what should have been a career ending concussion. I felt I had to step in*. I led him away from competing and towards the more lucrative aspect of sport: gambling! We trained in spreads, parlays, money lines, jinxes (which nearly got him killed when pre-donut Rivas missed a “chip shot” against MSU). And it worked! Evan split my first ever Big Ten Elimination League in 2014 with none other than his former Little League Baseball coach**. I had $1 on him winning… but also $1 on my parents going out in week 9… 2 years later he would become the first solo-champion not decided by tie-breaker.
Unfortunately for Peters, years of head injuries had started to take its toll. He failed to place in the next few seasons. 2018 Peters would end up in the hospital after reporting severe headaches and hallucinations of Tim Beckman standing outside his window.
The doctors couldn’t help him. But Peters wouldn’t give up. You see, after graduating from The University of Michigan, Peters needed something else besides gambling to fill the void once occupied by competition. Anyone close to Peters knew where he would inevitably turn: His childhood obsession with television actor: David James Elliott. Growing up, Peters had been fascinated with both the career and on-screen personality of Mr. Elliot. He would dedicate his post-undergraduate life creating a non-fictionalized version of late 90’s television show: JAG.
He didn’t know it at the time, but this decision would ultimately save his life (and his gambling career). After emerging from the hospital, tired, woozy, Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” playing in his head, he remembered something from a case… A witness working on a secret government program to combat the effects of CTE. Now even I don’t know what happened next but I assume it involved threats of court martial and bribery. Eventually he was able to begin the “treatment.” From what I could gather, it was long, excruciatingly painful, involved gamma radiation, and probably looked a lot like the new Disney+ show “She-Hulk” but with better CGI. But it worked! Months later Peters emerged from the undisclosed location better than ever. He’d return to glory, winning the 2021 Big Ten Elimination League and taking the Bronze Medal in this Pick Em League. Congratulations buddy. Welcome back.
*Thank god I did before Maryland joined the Big Ten because had he discovered this event he may not be alive today…
**The league is totally not rigged, I swear…