Hey look! A post! I haven’t seen one of these in weeks! And after the Elimination season is over? A truly rare sight indeed.. No no Shhh! be careful, you’ll scare it! Anyway, as promised, here’s my fool proof way to fix the NCAA! What’s wrong with the NCAA? I thought you loved college football? A. The NCAA is more than just college football. It’s a hypocritical garbage organization created 100 years ago to protect student athletes, and instead, well, doesn’t… but yeah… actually I am talking about fixing college football and 2. yeah I like football but wouldn’t it not suck even more if it didn’t have cheating, “cheating”, cover ups, players skipping bowl games, player exploitation, Alabama, lot’s of even worse stuff that I won’t mention because that’d really bummer up the tone of this post… you get the idea. Anyway here we go:
Actually before we get started I guess I should clarify. We’re not fixing the NCAA because… well screw that. We’re not fixing all of college sports. We’re not even actually fixing all of college football. We’re only fixing what I really care about: The Big Ten. NOW here we go:
Step 1: The Big Ten drops out of the NCAA. As discussed, the NCAA is a hypocritical garbage organization. There are 129 teams in the FBS. Nobody cares about 100 of them and nobody can even name more than 99 of them. Also, the NCAA has spent the last 100 years failing to figure out how to determine an actual annual champion. They’ve demonstrated this in the past by declaring champions or co-champions based on popularity instead of a championship game. They’ve demonstrated this with the playoff system in 2016 by sending non-conference champion OSU over conference champion (and head-to-head winner) Penn State. Or in 2017* when they didn’t send ANYONE from the strongest conference in the country Big Ten (3 teams in the top 8, 5 in the top 15… none of these are Michigan because… well Grandpa Simpson**… Oh by the way, the Big Ten proved it’s superiority by going 7-0 in 2017 bowl games that season***) Instead they send “didn’t even make the SEC championship, beat 2 barely ranked teams, and scheduled FCS embarrassment Mercer in WEEK 12!” Alabama. Anyway all of this is why the win in Indy is the goal and nobody cares about 1997 Nebraska. But Doug, is the Big Ten really any better? I mean they’re also hypocritical, out of touch rich bastards who only care about money.
Step 2: Fire Jim Delaney- Come on man, if you’re gonna write a football blog at least be up to date... He already announced his resignation… -you didn’t let me finish… out of a canon… from a pirate ship into the ocean… at the deep water horizon oil spill that has been lit on fire**** Then if as soon as he emerges Dane Cook pops out and punches in the face screaming “Get back in the fiery water!” I mean… he probably needs a job…****** Also shit-can whoever the new Big Ten Commissioner is because I’m sure he also sucks. The Big Ten is now run by a committee of Athletic Directors (who are now elected by Students… or Alumni… Or Student Athletes… or just me… I don’t know… It’s not like any of this is actually a good idea…. look, I’m just trying to find something to write about other than how Saturday will likely result in another 9 or 10 win season feeling like a slow motion game winning touchdown pass that hits you straight in the nuts… how about just not John Engler or David Brandon?) But Doug, if the Big Ten drops out of the NCAA the quality of football will suck; who is going to want to play for the Big Ten schools if they don’t participate nationally?
Step 3: Pay the players. Part of the reason the NCAA is such a hypocritical piece of shit is because they still hide behind the “amateurism” of college football. Amateurs don’t generate $150 million annual revenue. Amateurs coaches don’t get paid $9 million a year. Amateurs don’t have idiots writing blog entries about them at 1:00 in the morning.******* Now I’m not advocating that we turn the Big Ten into the NFL (I hate the NFL). But at the very least 1. Let them make their own money if they can (EA sports wants to pay for their likeness, they want to give lessons in the off-season, they want to start a YouTube channel and sell water bottles…) 2. Start a fund for players that covers future education or future health care required because of the long term effects of football. 3. Give them a modest salary… call it the average salary of a starter at Alabama. You can still consider them college athletes and require them to attend classes and meet grade requirements etc. Who isn’t that going to attract? Superstar athlete whose family needs a little help before he’s NFL eligible? Check. 3-4 star who may not be good enough to make the NFL but can be an excellent 4 year college player, make some money, and get a useful degree? Check. A solid Jr. player who might be a late round NFL draft pick but now has the option to return for his Sr. season for a nice paycheck and possible endorsement deal? Check. Anything else? Yes
Step 4: Oh wait! I know this! The post is almost over and you haven’t made fun of Rutgers… Kick them out?.. no too easy… Set them on fire?.. no you already used that… Got It! Send out letters to all current Big Ten universities detailing new bylaws, scheduling details and sign up instructions. Rutgers is too illiterate to understand the letter and misses the mandatory RSVP date… Also we kick out Maryland, Nebraska and Penn State. …..You know what.. you write the post next time!
*yeah I know we’ve been over this…but I’m still bitter… and it wasn’t even my team!
**John O’Korne
***Shut up don’t fact check me! That statement is technically correct… The other team played in January, and also I blacked it out.
****Which… I mean I’m no scientist… but even that would probably***** have been a better solution than shoving the entire Chinese Olympic team’s supply of ping pong balls down there to… What was the plan? Hope that Jason Momoa’s alcoholic Aquaman got really into beerpong and accepted this as payment for fixing the problem for us?
*****definitely not
****** No but seriously I hear he just finished a tour. I hope it went well. He was kinda the poster boy for “hate-stuff-because-it’s-popular.” Sure he was in some dumb movies, but in 2006-7 would you have turned down starring role in a movie along side Jessicas Alba and/or Simpson?! Also: It’s now 2019. Pick a side: Dane Cook or Louis C. K…
*******Well.. maybe Texas High School players do.. I just rewatched Varsity Blues and I gotta imagine that the 2019 equivalent of Paul Walker is gonna have a Hash Tag URL at the bottom of his billboard.