Alright look… We all know what’s going to happen so let’s just get this out of the way… and I’m totally not going to expand on this when it all comes true…
Week 1-3: Michigan wins… Maybe even big on the score board.. but they do dumb stuff. The defense looks mediocre against bad opponents (Army and the BYE week??). I’m super bummed about our season. A bunch of you (probably including me) get knocked out when Purdue, Rutgers, or Illinois lose that one game they were supposed to win. MSU continues their new Offensive strategy of “turn the ball over close enough to the endzone so the defense can score.” Somebody is eliminated because TeamChaos is back and they beat OSU… Somebody else is eliminated because TeamChaos is back and they lose to Eastern Illinois. Purdue blows a couple of games with dumb late hit penalties at the end of the game. Rutgers Sucks.
Weeks 4-6: Michigan beats Wisconsin. My emotional wall protecting me from seasonal disapointment begins to crack, but I don’t yet notice it. MSU continues to play football like a kid playing Madden running the same 3 plays on offense (HB Toss, an , and a “pass play” where he just runs the QB from the shotgun. It works really well on “easy” (bad opponents) and results in broken controllers on other settings. Rutgers Sucks.
Weeks 7-10: My yearly “well either the Big Ten is amaze-balls and everyone is good or we all suck and are going to lose all of the bowl games to the SEC” post. By this point Penn State has lost enough to prove they suck. James Franklin is on his way out after trying to use a 4th timeout in a row to ice his own kicker when he’s down 43-0. Brandon Peters puts up mega-stats against Purdue and Rutgers but Illinois still already out of contention. Scott Frost’s mom is already booking a her Plane to Indy even though somehow Northwestern is going to win the West because football makes no sense. Rutgers Sucks
Weeks 11-13: GUYS THE BIG TEN IS AWESOME! Alabama is garbage and shouldn’t be allowed to play football after scheduling Western Carolina in week 13. (also because of the cheating.) MSU Finally opens up their playbook in week 12. They score on their opening drive but still lose. The score is close-ish but the game is not. Michigan just has to beat OSU (who has dropped a game to Northwestern or Maryland or something stupid…) for a trip to Indy and the playoffs! Penn State sucks but Mich, OSU, MSU (If Lewerke hasn’t died and the defense averages 14+ points a game… and I mean the defense scores 14+ points a game because even healthy Lewerke only averages a TD or two with the pre-Michigan playbook), and Iowa* are all Top Ten, and Wisconsin, Nebraska, somehow Northwestern**, and i dont know… Minnesota are all top 25. GOD I LOVE FOOTBALL!!! ***
Week 14: I hate football. Even if I were continuing to write posts this year I wouldn’t care enough to write one for this week… Turns out Shea Pat had been dealing with a bruised hang nail for 3 weeks which exploded on the first drive against an Ohio State University. The injury will end his football career. He’ll go on to be drafted by the Lions. On the next drive Dylan McCaffrey is ejected for the first ever targeting call AGAINST the QB. In the third quarter Justin Fields (who has thus far proven to be the ‘average-at-best’ QB your brilliant author**** had been declaring him to be all year) exits the game for concussion protocol. Newly-Enrolled-Walk-On QB Purelle Tryor***** enters the game… I don’t really want to talk about the rest of what happnes because it obviously will just sound like making excuses and whining about (clearly) biased officials… I’ve been eliminated by this point so I secretly despise everyone who’s left in the pool for making me pay attention to this crap for another week… Other stuff happens but I don’t care because football is dead to me. We’re a baseball school now. Rutgers Sucks
Conference Championship Week: Are you still here? Look I said I don’t care… Ugh Fine… Actually I was going to make a semi-joke about the NCAA not caring about conference champions and picking the wrong Big Ten team or leaving the (clearly superior) Big Ten out altogether. But… looking at the schedules here’s what I ACTUALLY think are the likely outcomes…. IF the West sends a 0 or 1 loss Wisconsin Iowa or Nebraska and they WIN then they will likely go to the playoffs. Ohio State has an easy non-conference schedule so if they win in Indy they likely have 0 or 1 loss (probably to MSU or Wisconsin) and get a playoff spot. (If they have 2 losses they’re probably both to big ten teams which means they probably don’t go to Indy anyway). Michigan, on the other hand, could provide the most (seemingly common) controversy. They could have two losses (to Notre Dame and Wisconsin for example) and still play OSU for a trip to Indy. If they win this and the Big Ten Championship then we get to see if the NCAA goes for ratings with 2 Loss Conference Champions Michigan or sticks with their traditional 1 loss ‘didn’t-even-play-for-a-conference-title’ second SEC team with a weak ass schedule (cough bama). Rutgers Sucks.
Bowl Week: Is your team in the playoffs? No? Then nobody cares… You know what? I was about to go off on a rant about this and players sitting out but it’s late and this probably warrants it’s own post****** Michigan will play Florida again. Rutgers will play soccer and pretend it’s football (like it’s 1869) because they were bowl ineligible a month and a half ago. Rutgers Sucks
Misc thoughts and predictions: MSU’s defense is good enough that they could be a top 10-15 team and still not contend for the East after having to play at Ohio State, at Wisconsion, and at Michigan…. I could also see them doing something weird like losing to Indiana at home and then beating OSU and/or Wisconsin the following weeks. With the Iowa injury my money’s on Minn or Nebraska for the West. Rutgers Sucks
*Although the injury to LT Alaric Jackson makes this prediction more… hot takey… So probably Wisconsin instead…
**Because College Football Makes NO Sense.
***Rutgers sucks
****Or… at least I would have been had I continued to write these posts…
*****To be clear, in case it wasn’t obvious, this is just Terrell Pryor with an afro and a mustache. Everybody knows this and it’s clearly illegal but it’s AN Ohio State University so nobody in the NCAA gives a fu….
******Fine, you caught me… I’m not planning to quit writing this crap this season.
Woooooo! Football!!! Yeahhhhhh!!