9/29/2023 The Big Ten Sucks!!!

I’m leaving… That’s fine because I’ve got good news! I received real life confirmation that I have gained an additional reader! That puts my total viewership well over the total number of points that Iowa scored against Penn State. I’d have to do some math, but I’m pretty sure it puts me over the average points per game that Iowa’s offense will score all season… Now here’s the bad news… that confirmed new reader is my dad. I’ve been writing this crap for 6 years and until last week, not even my family was reading it.* I suppose Iowa could learn a bit from my family’s lack of nepotism…. In fact, I have a proposition… For those of you unaware, earlier this season Kirk Ferentz publicly wagered his son’s job on the ability of Iowa to average 25 points per game by the end of the season. Sadly, despite competing in the Big Ten West, it doesn’t look like they’re going to make it.. so now he’s now trying to weasel his son into staying by counting points scored by the defense. Well, here’s my idea: Let’s see how many comments and guest posts I can get for the rest of the season. If I get more comments than Brian Ferentz gets touchdowns or field goals, then he gets fired. Brian Ferentz only… Defensive and Special teams scores don’t count. What do you say, Kirk? If you win… you get to play another Michigan vs Penn State highlight to pump up your team next year**

So, now we’ve covered Iowa… I don’t want to be here all night, so let’s get the obvious ones out of the way. Northwestern is awful. As many of my participants know, Minnesota just lost to Northwestern… Purdue, Illino… you know what? Let me put it this way: Nebraska might be the best team in the Big Ten West. Are we all on the same page? Curse of Scott Frost’s Mom? Good. Let’s move on to the East. Indiana almost eliminated half of you last week by taking friggen AKRON to 4 overtimes. The only win that Akron has is against Brandon’s fake NCAA14 team, the Blitzkrieg Tiny Bears!*** Tom Allen better call Sonic the Hedgehog to get some of those chaos emeralds back because he’s fighting for his job… <checks notes> Oh.. Breaking News: Tom Allen has fired Indiana’s Offensive Coordinator. Walt Bell will be replaced by Rod Carey… which I’m assuming is because Tom Allen is getting Rod Carey confused with actor Jim Carrey’s portrayal of the character of Dr. Robotnik. I’m sure it’ll work out great.

Michigan State… Dantonio is back? Look, I’m not win the Fire Ferentz Comment War if I “analyze” Michigan State and piss you all off… One of you guys write something… How about this idea: Their QB and Punter are both named Kim… All Fake Punt Offense! Maryland is probably ok, but it’s now October which means their whole team is about to be out with concussions after trying to impress this girl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nF46RkHZZII (This video never gets old). Penn State still has James Franklin. Even if they were good, James Franklin at some point is going to torpedo their season by icing his own kicker, or get a penalty for trying to call back-to-back timeouts to try and ice his own kicker. Also they were in a close came with Northwestern until a failed 4th down conversion on NW’s own 30… and then another failed 4th down when the fat guy tripped on his way to converting a fake punt on their own 30… Penn States 0-Line is not good. It’s only a matter of time before Drew Allar is Christian Hackenburging up blood on the sidelines after getting wrecked. I swear, Franklin must have watched Devin Gardner vs. Notre Dame and thought “That seems like a good offensive strategy.”

Now, let’s get to the main event. Ohio State. Ok, to be fair, I don’t think Ohio State is a bad team.. I just don’t think they’re a typical, unbeatable, Ohio State team. Ryan Day is not Urban Meyer. Ryan Day is not Jim Tressel. And despite his whining post-game rant directed at an 86 year old man that most people didn’t know was still alive, Ohio State is NOT tough. Tough teams don’t blame the snow, or the flu, or “5 bad plays”, or “one bad half”. Tough teams don’t call a Jet sweep on 4th an inches! Notre Dame had 10 guys on the field on the last two plays of the game and OSU still only made it to the end-zone by an inch. Notre Dame was the more physical team in that game and they struggled against Duke this week. Ohio State is soft. But I dunno man… The last time I felt this way was 2016 so I’m probably in for a bad time at the end of November… Until then, Michigan plays a bunch of other bad teams. And these are still 18-22 year old kids, so anything can happen.

*Which is probably good… there was swearing!

**During the Penn State vs Iowa game, they showed a replay of Cade McNamara passing to Erik All for a touchdown.

***Based on Morgan State’s logo, I assume this is the team Brandon chose/renamed in our NCAA dynasty to make the game more challenging. My team is the Gotham Knights… Obviously. Also, I just put in a joke that nobody else is going to get, Brandon, so you’d better get in the comments or I’m going to boot up NCAA14 and suspend your coach for buying Herp Derpstein too many cheeseburgers.