The Big Ten SUCKS! Whoa whoa whoa… what are you doing? It’s week 3! This post doesn’t come until week 10 or 11! Where’s the in depth, incorrect analysis of every team? Where’s the “THE BIG TEN IS AWESOME!” post? Where are the Brian Kelly memes? And most importantly WHERE ARE THE CARTOONS ABOUT DAVID BRANDON AND COACH SHARK F#$%@#? Look, the rules changed this year. Running clock means more bullshit and less football content. Something had to get cut… And like a fullback trying to field a Bowling Green kickoff, I dropped the ball. And as for the cartoons, those jokes aren’t even relevant anymore… Admit it, this post is now the most you’ve heard about David Brandon in years… And making fun of Tim TackleWain now that he’s coaching CMU and not Florida or the karmically hilarious Michigan WR group just seems mean*. And who knows… if I skip to the week 10 article now, maybe I’ll come up with something new for the rest of the season! Let’s move on…
Let’s start with Colorado. THEY’RE not in the BIG TEN! Are you sure? They’re not in the SEC… and I’m pretty sure those are the only two options… Everyone’s in the Big Ten now** Also I just want to talk about them because everybody is so pumped up about Coach Amazon and his dumbass cowboy hat. They suck. Yes they have a couple of talented players, but they’re not a team. You can’t put together a functional offensive line from scratch in an offseason. Colorado State had that game won until they decided to play prevent defense without… you know… the prevent part… How do you drop everyone and still not have anybody within 10 yards of a downfield receiver? Why did I stay up until 2:30 watching that crap? I don’t know but that’s probably why this article sucks. Don’t make me give Mel Tucker your phone number… The week before they played Nebraska… and while statistically beating Nebraska by more than one score is… unique?, They’re Nebraska. Scott Frost sucks. HE DOESN’T COACH THERE ANYMORE! –dismissive hand wave–. And week one, everybody got excited because they beat a ranked TCU. OOOO let’s get excited about that because /s they’re a real team! /s Their previous game was a bigger blowout than Washington vs… WAIT COME BACK!! Would it help if I pointed out that Kenneth Walker once again beat Aiden Hutchinson today? No?
TCU is garbage. They haven’t beat anyone since… <checks notes> nevermind… Coward! Fine. They beat Michigan. Further proof that we live in The Matrix version of an NCAA14 dynasty. Last season TCU was played by a kid who wanted a bit of a challenge, so they picked TCU and tried to go all the way. They made it to the playoffs and got lucky to get one of those games where the game makes it really easy for you. Every “mistake” the opponent makes is a pick-six for your team. Star running back? Out with injury. Backup who’s really good at catch? Broken hand… “Do you want to leave him in and risk further injury?” -YES There was even one of those reviews where the replay clearly shows the player is over the line, but you know it’s a 10-year-old EA game so the “line” isn’t actually drawn where the AI ref thinks it is… Play Reversed!*** Targeting? Nah this is 2014, we’re not calling that.
Then they got to the championship and the game just laughed at poor little Timmy. Guess what Tim, your defense sucks this game! I don’t care what plays you call… everybody’s open!
..Well… I guess this wasn’t really a “Big Ten Sucks” article after all… Guess that’s next week.
*Still funny… but also mean.
**Except Rutgers
*** Roman Wilson’s Touchdown
I had to re-read this one. Love it! Coach Amazon and his dumb hat… gold!