That is all….
But seriously.. Thanks a lot, Purdue… You lost and now I have to feel bad about not cheating and changing Ali’s pick. Now she (and a few others) have to sit through my weekly e-mails for a season that no longer matters… Just like Purdue! Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Doug, you already used that joke in the e-mail thread.” NO! The version in the e-mail thread was funnier so th… oh sorry. A guy in a red hat says I have to stop here for 3 minutes while some billionaires make some more money … Please stand by.
And we’re back.. That was.. Well it’s a bold strategy, Cotton, but at least the advertisements for the football on the Peacock streaming service are accurate… Anybody else use Playstation 5 to stream the first U-M game on Peacock? 4 hours of a product with ever decreasing football-to-commercial ratio means I have to watch at least slightly tape delayed. But guess what? Peacock doesn’t give you an idea of what’s on screen while you’re fast-forwarding! No sped up action while going 2x/5x/10x, no tiny frame preview as you repeatedly mash the arrow keys on the D-Pad… Just a black screen and a timestamp. So I’ve got to guess how long the commercial break was, press X, and hope I don’t pick up the action during a spoiler inducing endzone celebration after a JJ McCarthy Dime throw! It’s big piece of… well.. see the “commercial” above.
But anyway, let’s get back on topic… Football has started and I know what you’re all thinking… That you already used that line in the opening paragraph? Oh hey! Bolded-Italicized-interjection-voice-that-is-a-commonly-used-and-independently-thought-of-literary-tool-of-several-authors-including-myself-and-not-specifically-stolen-from-my-favorite-Michigan-sports-blog* No… well… maybe… but no… I’ll tell you what you’re all thinking… right after a word from our sponsor!
This article is brought to you by The Big Ten Elimination league! Play the game! Send me some donations! Everyone pick Rutgers so I don’t have to keep doing this!
… You “fast forwarded” over the commercial break didn’t you… Well anyway we’re back… And I grew up on 90’s action shows so we’ll resume this section with the same scene you saw right before the break… only slightly different… I assume the recap is because kids have bad attention spans and can’t remember what happened 30 seconds before that kick ass crossfire commercial… And the slight difference is because the TV executives couldn’t figure out which cut of the pre-commercial cliffhanger scene was better. So here we go: You must all be thinking “It’s two weeks into the season and there’s been no Big Ten pre-season team analysis! How am I supposed to know who to pick?” Well, 1. Don’t pick Rutgers. 2. If you saw my current standings in Tim’s Pick ‘Em league, don’t listen to me. and 3. Just read one of the articles from the last few years… it’s probably the same** For now, this article’s gone on for too long, so let’s just cover some highlights.
Nebraska is still Nebraska even without Scott Frost. In week one they lost another 1 score game with a last second Field Goal by Minnesota. In week two they got serial crushed by Colorado… who despite what the idiots who get paid to do this are saying: isn’t good…. At this point I assume Nebraska is and forever will be Nebraska because of Scott Frost’s mom… Either she made a cross-roads deal to split the National Championship in 1997, or she’s a witch and has cursed the program for firing her son. As I said, everybody is talking about “Coach Prime” and how good Colorado is. They’re not… They b… OH COMMON! God Dammit Red Hat guy… There’s like 15 seconds left in this article!
… I don’t really think I’m doing this commercial thing right… Where are my billions of dollars?
—– Sorry, you’ve been streaming on Peacock and this article has gone over the estimated time allotted. Your recording doesn’t cover the end. Check back tomorrow to see if this gets corrected —–
*Side note… I went back to look for what I had previously called this voice of interjection and stumbled across the Scott Frost Day entry… Turns out Alabama, Nebraska, and Wisconsin haven’t changed much…
**It’s NOT! but that’s a topic for the next article.